I find it strange that more of you haven't discovered the advantages of the double-edged safety razor. They're awesome.
Now, I'm not talking about those disposable plastic toys from the likes of Gillette and Schick, mind you. I'm speaking of the hefty, re-usable, aesthetically-pleasing shaving implements made by Parker, Merkur, and Edwin Jagger, among others. Once you pick up one of these finely-engineered, astutely-designed, meticulously-crafted tools, adorned with steel, chrome, polished bone, or sometimes very nice-looking plastic, you'll know what it means to be a man. Or a woman, in the case of leg shaving.
For a man, there are few things quite so irresistible as those being shiny or metal; the combination is bedazzling. If that and the pride and delight of owning personal care instruments of great and lasting quality are not enough to sway you, then the insanely close shave will certainly help. These razors show that overwhelming force can not substitute for superior capability. You can not hit a target at 300m using ten guns with a range of 100m. 100 nitwits will not design a better spaceship than a lone rocket scientist. A choir of Chris Browns will never sound as good as one Bing Crosby or silence. A multi-blade disposable razor is like an album of Nickleback songs, both comprising dull, indistinguishable parts, while a DESR is like a Beatles song. I think you get the point, or edge rather. The single, ultra-sharp blade on these razors allows for a much closer shave than you'll ever get with a plastic disposable razor, I don't care if you've got a Mach 11. Plastic razors do not go to eleven.
As if all that weren't enough, the DESR could save you a veritable fortune. Exhibit A: Gillette Mach 3 cartridges. These obnoxious things are over a $1 per cartridge, and will likely not give you more than 5 shaves before becoming painfully dull. Note, also, the link shows one of the best prices I've seen for these sorts of razors, and some customers have complained these seem like "seconds" or defective stock.
Now witness exhibit B: bulk packs of DE blades from Derby, the Toyota of blades, and Feather, the Lotus of blades. The Derbys are about 22¢ and the Feathers, 50¢. You get 4-6 shaves from these, depending on how coarse your beard is. The savings will add up pretty fast, using standard math.
With all these irrefutable pros, surely there must be some cons. "If they're so great, why doesn't everybody use them?" you ask in your indignant, you're-not-the-boss-of-me tone. It turns out there is a reason not everyone uses a DESR: shaving apathy. You see, if you just don't care about shaving, you won't really get the DESR. I know plenty of guys who buy the absolute cheapest, single-blade disposable razors available. Then they use each of these razors until the thing pulls more hairs than it cuts, and the edge of the blade looks like sponge. Others do the same with the expensive disposables. Their razor budget is small enough, a DESR probably wouldn't save them much. Others spend a maximum 3:45min shaving. They view as a waste any additional time spent shaving. Still others use electric shavers. I don't know what to say for them.
All of these groups share a common approach to shaving: it's a chore. They only shave because they must, and as such want to spend as little time or money as possible. Shaving with a DESR is definitely cheap, but it also requires patience, skill, and care. The first few times I used a DESR, my face hurt more than I was used to. Okay, it felt like I had just burned all my whiskers off with 5M HCL. But since then, my skin has gotten used to it, and it feels fine. I also had to learn to shave carefully around certain areas, like, uh, moles. My wife was somewhat disturbed by the blood flowing down my neck when I was just starting out. But I had cut my self plenty of times with disposables, and now it's rare to have any nick that requires toilet paper. As for the time requirement, I allow no less than 15 minutes. I've taken as much as 25min, but that was only on one occasion, and I was really spacing out. Since I don't shave every day, this isn't a problem for me.
You might have seen somewhere those old dauber brushes and mugs men used with bars of shaving soap. This is the preferred lather arrangement for DESRs. That's what I've heard, anyway. I've never used a DESR with canned shave foam/gel; only with shaving soap applied with a brush. Therefore I can not comment on the difference in performance or value between foam/gel and soap. I'd venture to guess foam/gel is a little cheaper and a great deal crappier. You'll have to figure that part out for yourself.
I hope you recognize merits of the DESR, or at least the demerits of disposables. Think it over. Admitting there's a problem is the first step. After that, who knows how far you may go? Heck, someday you may even find yourself annihilating whiskers with a full-on straight razor.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Dear Aspiring and Disgruntled American Idol Composers and Artists,
I find it strange that you would even think of participating in American Idol or its spurious songwriting contest. After all, the agreement you have to sign in order to audition is the legal equivalent of handing 19 Entertainment your lifetime power of attorney. And while the contract for submitting an entry to the songwriting contest is apparently no longer published anywhere, both can be summed up like this:
"I, __________, do hereby agree that 19 Entertainment owns me for the rest of my life, on Earth as it is in Heaven."
Some of my favorite highlights include:
- In addition to the rights granted elsewhere in this Release, I understand and agree that if my appearance, name, likeness, voice, singing voice, conversation, sounds and/or biographical data is used in connection with the Program, I may be required... to enter into the following agreements with Producer and/or Producer’s designee(s)...: (a) an agreement for the management of my career in the entertainment industry (including, but not limited to, my acting, singing, songwriting, or other services); and (b) an agreement for the use of my name, voice, conversation, likeness and biography in connection with advertising, endorsements, merchandising, and/or sponsorships. I understand and agree that such agreements shall become fully effective only at the election of Producer and/or Producer’s designee(s), which election shall occur on or before that date which is three (3) months from the date of the initial broadcast of the final episode of the Program for this Season (the “Election Period”).
- I understand that I may reveal, and other parties may reveal, information about me that is of a personal, private,embarrassing or unfavorable nature, which information may be factual and/or fictional. I further understand that my appearance, depiction and/or portrayal in the Program may be disparaging, defamatory, embarrassing or of an otherwise unfavorable nature which may expose me to public ridicule, humiliation or condemnation. I acknowledge and agree that Producer shall have the right to (a) include any or all such information and appearances, depictions or portrayals in the Program as edited by Producer in its sole discretion, and (b) broadcast and otherwise exploit the Program containing any or all such information and appearances, depictions or portrayals in any manner whatsoever in any and all media now known or hereafter devised, or for any other purpose, throughout the universe in perpetuity.
- In the event I perform or display any original material on the Program written or otherwise controlled by me (for example, music, choreography, photography, lyrics, clothing, etc., collectively called the “Material”), I hereby grant to Producer, without charge, the rights necessary to perform and/or display the Material on the Program and the rights required to exploit the Program and the ancillary rights therein, inclusive of the Material, in any and all media now known or hereafter devised, and for any other purpose, throughout the universe in perpetuity.
Notice they don't even limit it to the known universe.
Do you get the gravity of those statements? It means you can't win. There's nothing in there about the Program agreeing to pay you anything. That's because they don't fully intend to.
Now you might be thinking to yourself there's no harm it trying to make it, even if it means signing something so horribly unfavorable to my interests I may never recover. Well consider these scenarios:
- You audition for AI... and totally suck. Fine; a bad day perhaps. But if AI wants to use a clip of your disgraceful screeching as fodder on the laugh-at-the-worst-auditions episode, they don't have to ask or inform you. (I note here that William Hung is not complaining.)
- One of your vocal performances is really stellar, but you don't make it far enough to get any attention directly from the show. Being stellar is good, right? It is, but AI owns your performance. Want to use it as a demo? You'll have to ask them to license it to you.
- You get to the final 10, but you don't want to be in a Ford commercial. Too bad.
- You're sitting there, working out an arrangement of a Bee Gees song with, oh, let's say Barry Gibb, when you sing a little counter-melody that makes "Yesterday" sound like "Old McDonald." You'd sure love to finish that song and get it recorded, I bet. Maybe you can, if AI says you can use their song.
- You submitted a song, it got selected for the final 20, then a publisher calls you to discuss it. What could be cooler? Not having to refer them to 19E, since it's their song.
- You win the songwriting contest, the AI winner records your song..., and you don't get anything for it. Yeah, the contract never actually said you'd get paid for your song; only that 19E owns it.
- You make the top 25, but get eliminated soon after. However, it was just enough exposure for you to make contacts in the industry and you are able to sign a publishing deal for some great songs you wrote years ago, and carefully kept secret while on the Program. Then, out of nowhere, AI sends you a letter saying they've elected to exercise their right to control everything you create, ever. That ain't right! Wait, it's in the contract, along with your signature.
- You submit a song and never give it another thought..., until you hear it on the radio. Oh, you didn't know? Yep, 19E owns exclusive rights to every song submitted, including the rejects.
- 25,000 people pay $10 each to submit songs, yet all of the final 20 songs were submitted by composers who've already published other, successful material. Hey, they never said pros couldn't enter. Thanks for the $10, though.
Okay, maybe these aren't the most likely outcomes from participating in AI. Still, do you really want to risk it? A few, such as the last one, actually did happen. More to the point, consider what you're trying to win. As winner of AI, you won't have any control over your career. 19E will assign a producer, pick the songs, pay you reduced royalties, charge you for royalties paid other writers, and book all your professional engagements. They know most winners will hesitate to sign such a contract, so they've included an exclusivity clause in the participation agreement. That means if you win, you can still turn down their contract, but you can't sign with anyone else until you've satisfied 19E's requirements. Is that really a prize?
Of course, nothing applies if the Program deems you worthless.
Clearly, the exposure from being a finalist, but not the winner, has been a career maker for some. Indeed, for one who wants to be a pop singer (not a writer/artist or in a band), winning AI is a valuable opportunity. However, those aren't the people who complain about the show, you may notice. Aiken, Hicks, Pickler, Underwood, et al. do not bash AI because being a well-fed singer, even one with a less-than-ideal recording contract, is unfathomably better than paying off $43,000 in student loans from the first three years of undergrad, while working at Target and living with two of the most accomplished Halo players in the Americas. Unfortunately, those AI successes represent the only way to succeed using AI. So if that doesn't embody your vision of a great music career, this show is not for you. The lesson is: read and understand everything before you sign it.
"I, __________, do hereby agree that 19 Entertainment owns me for the rest of my life, on Earth as it is in Heaven."
Some of my favorite highlights include:
- In addition to the rights granted elsewhere in this Release, I understand and agree that if my appearance, name, likeness, voice, singing voice, conversation, sounds and/or biographical data is used in connection with the Program, I may be required... to enter into the following agreements with Producer and/or Producer’s designee(s)...: (a) an agreement for the management of my career in the entertainment industry (including, but not limited to, my acting, singing, songwriting, or other services); and (b) an agreement for the use of my name, voice, conversation, likeness and biography in connection with advertising, endorsements, merchandising, and/or sponsorships. I understand and agree that such agreements shall become fully effective only at the election of Producer and/or Producer’s designee(s), which election shall occur on or before that date which is three (3) months from the date of the initial broadcast of the final episode of the Program for this Season (the “Election Period”).
- I understand that I may reveal, and other parties may reveal, information about me that is of a personal, private,embarrassing or unfavorable nature, which information may be factual and/or fictional. I further understand that my appearance, depiction and/or portrayal in the Program may be disparaging, defamatory, embarrassing or of an otherwise unfavorable nature which may expose me to public ridicule, humiliation or condemnation. I acknowledge and agree that Producer shall have the right to (a) include any or all such information and appearances, depictions or portrayals in the Program as edited by Producer in its sole discretion, and (b) broadcast and otherwise exploit the Program containing any or all such information and appearances, depictions or portrayals in any manner whatsoever in any and all media now known or hereafter devised, or for any other purpose, throughout the universe in perpetuity.
- In the event I perform or display any original material on the Program written or otherwise controlled by me (for example, music, choreography, photography, lyrics, clothing, etc., collectively called the “Material”), I hereby grant to Producer, without charge, the rights necessary to perform and/or display the Material on the Program and the rights required to exploit the Program and the ancillary rights therein, inclusive of the Material, in any and all media now known or hereafter devised, and for any other purpose, throughout the universe in perpetuity.
Notice they don't even limit it to the known universe.
Do you get the gravity of those statements? It means you can't win. There's nothing in there about the Program agreeing to pay you anything. That's because they don't fully intend to.
Now you might be thinking to yourself there's no harm it trying to make it, even if it means signing something so horribly unfavorable to my interests I may never recover. Well consider these scenarios:
- You audition for AI... and totally suck. Fine; a bad day perhaps. But if AI wants to use a clip of your disgraceful screeching as fodder on the laugh-at-the-worst-auditions episode, they don't have to ask or inform you. (I note here that William Hung is not complaining.)
- One of your vocal performances is really stellar, but you don't make it far enough to get any attention directly from the show. Being stellar is good, right? It is, but AI owns your performance. Want to use it as a demo? You'll have to ask them to license it to you.
- You get to the final 10, but you don't want to be in a Ford commercial. Too bad.
- You're sitting there, working out an arrangement of a Bee Gees song with, oh, let's say Barry Gibb, when you sing a little counter-melody that makes "Yesterday" sound like "Old McDonald." You'd sure love to finish that song and get it recorded, I bet. Maybe you can, if AI says you can use their song.
- You submitted a song, it got selected for the final 20, then a publisher calls you to discuss it. What could be cooler? Not having to refer them to 19E, since it's their song.
- You win the songwriting contest, the AI winner records your song..., and you don't get anything for it. Yeah, the contract never actually said you'd get paid for your song; only that 19E owns it.
- You make the top 25, but get eliminated soon after. However, it was just enough exposure for you to make contacts in the industry and you are able to sign a publishing deal for some great songs you wrote years ago, and carefully kept secret while on the Program. Then, out of nowhere, AI sends you a letter saying they've elected to exercise their right to control everything you create, ever. That ain't right! Wait, it's in the contract, along with your signature.
- You submit a song and never give it another thought..., until you hear it on the radio. Oh, you didn't know? Yep, 19E owns exclusive rights to every song submitted, including the rejects.
- 25,000 people pay $10 each to submit songs, yet all of the final 20 songs were submitted by composers who've already published other, successful material. Hey, they never said pros couldn't enter. Thanks for the $10, though.
Okay, maybe these aren't the most likely outcomes from participating in AI. Still, do you really want to risk it? A few, such as the last one, actually did happen. More to the point, consider what you're trying to win. As winner of AI, you won't have any control over your career. 19E will assign a producer, pick the songs, pay you reduced royalties, charge you for royalties paid other writers, and book all your professional engagements. They know most winners will hesitate to sign such a contract, so they've included an exclusivity clause in the participation agreement. That means if you win, you can still turn down their contract, but you can't sign with anyone else until you've satisfied 19E's requirements. Is that really a prize?
Of course, nothing applies if the Program deems you worthless.
Clearly, the exposure from being a finalist, but not the winner, has been a career maker for some. Indeed, for one who wants to be a pop singer (not a writer/artist or in a band), winning AI is a valuable opportunity. However, those aren't the people who complain about the show, you may notice. Aiken, Hicks, Pickler, Underwood, et al. do not bash AI because being a well-fed singer, even one with a less-than-ideal recording contract, is unfathomably better than paying off $43,000 in student loans from the first three years of undergrad, while working at Target and living with two of the most accomplished Halo players in the Americas. Unfortunately, those AI successes represent the only way to succeed using AI. So if that doesn't embody your vision of a great music career, this show is not for you. The lesson is: read and understand everything before you sign it.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Dear Weight-Loss Ad Banner People,
I find it strange that you don't seem to get the implications of a "before-and-after" advertisement. Yes, the enormously overweight person in the first picture could stand to lose some, er, a lot of weight. And, yes, the person in the second picture clearly takes care of herself. Yet, it doesn't have much impact since the two people are not the same person. That's the basic idea of a B&A ad: you can show the successful results of a product, service, or in your case... what are you selling, anyway? Oh, whom am I kidding? I don't care what you're selling; I just want you to stop imagining I'm so stupid as to purposely click on your scam ad. I don't think so! You can't help me lose weight! If I'm not angry enough that all my shirts are starting to wear through on the sides from rubbing on the arms of my chair, then you don't stand a chance. You think I like having to put pillows under the mattress so the indentation isn't so deep I get stuck in it? Of course not! But I can only blame myself and anyone who makes more money than I do. As soon as they are willing to pay for me to have a licensed physician assess my health, I'm sure things will turn around. Until then, though, you need to stick to honest advertising.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Dear Chris Martin,
I find it strange I haven't seen any birds flying from the underground yet. I thought you said they'd go flying from there and when I saw it, I'd understand. I just want to understand. Is that so bad? I've been trying unsuccessfully to ignite my bones and the hardest part is trying to get that message home. That's mostly just because my mom has my number blocked, but I just want her to listen to what I say. She's just angry because I'm starting to make all this movement, and I cut down a tree and brought it back to her. I don't know how it ever got away from her, since trees can't walk, but I do think it made her see where she was going wrong. I think she's forgotten about it, but she hasn't forgiven me. What good is that? Honestly, shouldn't she love all she sees? Anyway, I was just trying to seize every chance I get to climb up in the trees, when I got lost. You see I was swimming in this little, tiny pond, and I thought I was certainly the biggest person in there, well, actually, I was pretending to be a fish, when all of a sudden... nevermind, it's not a very interesting story. Anyway, I decided to come see, and I found this song and I tried to measure it, but it must have been at least a thousand miles long. I probably shouldn't be spreading this all around, so, just between you and me, I'm no friend of death. You know the funniest thing happened to me the other day: gravity actually turned on I. Can you believe that? It didn't even turn on me; it had the gall to turn on I! I hope I didn't just cross a line I shouldn't have. Maybe I shouldn't mess with gravity. Well, if I was wrong, then I'm sorry. My head just aches when I think of all the times I've re-used my own lyrics. Okay, I'm going back to the start: can you help me understand?
Dear Hellman's Mayonnaise,
I find it strange that your product has no protein in it. I looked at the ingredients and there's definitely eggs in there. I'm also sure there's protein in eggs. A lot, actually. So where did the protein go? How can I substitute mayo for eggs in my marathon training diet if mayo doesn't have any protein?
Dear Chris Sligh,
I find it strange that the song you co-wrote, "Here Comes Goodbye," went to the top of the music charts. Of course, if it had gone to the top of the Bland Cliché charts, I'd understand.
I was sitting in the dentist office waiting to have two cavities filled, cavities that developed despite the fact I brush and floss every day, which, I might add, did not improve my gum scores dramatically or even matter-of-factly, so why did I make such an effort... I'm sorry; I'm telling you about your song. So I was sitting there when your song was played on the subscription music service - called Mind-Numbing Background Softies, I think - and while I probably wouldn't have noticed it at all had there been even one other thing on my mind, in truth, I was just staring at a wall; so your song actually made it to my brain.
I kind a wish it hadn't, but it does give me a good opportunity to offer you some help. Now, you're going to say, "Why do I need help? I had no trouble finding a boring, three-piece band with a whining, narrow-ranged lead singer to record my song; and it did go to #1. Besides, you don't have a #1 single, do you?" Well, those are good points all, but consider for a moment who will listen to your music when all the healthcare patients are no longer subject to it? Probably no one. You see, writing a good song is worth it because people want to hear it, in many forms, for years and years.
Let's look at your lyrics. The way you started out isn't really too bad. Maybe that's because you didn't write that part; I don't know. A dude's chica is coming up the driveway and she's acting weird, so he's pretty sure she's going to dump him. Fine so far. But then something happens to the imagery in the song. You could say it goes "from good to gone."
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure "Here comes the pain" absolutely blows some people over, and they know exactly what you mean. For me, though, it's more like looking through the thesaurus for negative emotional sensations. You could have used hurt - or ache, pang, prick, sting, tingle, twinge, discomfort, distress, soreness, agony, anguish, misery, suffering, torment, torture, inflammation, swelling, damage, harm, or injury - and achieved just as little. But most of those aren't one-syllable words, and "Here comes the swelling," just doesn't sound right. So you probably did the best you could.
I'm now going to ask you a few, possibly difficult, but important questions you should probably have asked yourself before showing these lyrics to anyone else.
1. Is there anything novel, creative, poetic, or original in these lyrics?
2. Does the narrator have the emotional maturity of a ninth grader, or is he more at that hard-to-describe level of the summer after ninth grade?
3. Could the narrator have seen this coming?
4. Does the girlfriend only come over at night? Is that why turning the light on is such a big deal?
5. Will the narrator ever recover and go to college, perhaps meet other women?
6. What does the word maudlin mean?
After answering each one, you should have a better understanding of why your song is a bit light on, some might say completely devoid of, meaning or noteworthiness. I dare say everyone who's reached age 15 has felt some sort of "pain." I'm sure we've felt nothing like the hopeless abyss of your narrator, but then, you never get around to telling us anything about him or his feelings; so I guess I wouldn't know.
From now on, when your trying to write lyrics, imagine yourself in your doctor's office. You say, "Doctor, I'm sick." He says, "Okay, what's wrong?"
"I don't know, that's why I came to you."
"But what sort of symptoms are you experiencing? Any pain?"
"Oh, yes, pain like I've never felt before."
"Where?"
"In my body."
"Um... what is it that hurts?"
"Doc, all I can think about is yesterday, when I was so healthy. Now I'm sicker than I can ever tell you. I just never thought this could happen to me."
Make sense? Just read it again, then.
A small point on grammar: in a conditional sentence, you need to use the conditional mood in the verb phrase. Therefore, one wishes she were right here in one's arms, not was. Also, you really shouldn't use an objective case pronoun in a subjective phrase. "Here comes me..." Does that make sense to you? Alas, I nitpick.
Sometimes horrible lyrics are redeemed by a fantastic melody. So I figured I'd better listen to your tune again, since I couldn't remember it in the least. I found the song on a music-streaming website, along with a few other songs by the same title. Those songs were all better than yours, at least I could get through them, but that's not the point. Hmm... point. That's an apt word. It means the part that sticks you. That's what your melody doesn't have. If you bent a point over on itself, you'd have a hook. Your melody doesn't have one of those either.
Alright, so you're probably asking, "Are you picking on me just because my hair is so dreadful?" That's part of it, but it's mostly because I don't want to have to sit through music like yours again. Still, it's probably not worth my time to critique your song. After all, you've positioned yourself as an adult contemporary/Christian artist. Those two genres offer something like 99.44% pure mashed potatoes as the sole dish on the musical menu. I don't think your songs could make those genres any more bland. Anyway, you're not likely to listen to me since your song is doing well on the radio. But, as you say, "Nothing's on the radio."
I was sitting in the dentist office waiting to have two cavities filled, cavities that developed despite the fact I brush and floss every day, which, I might add, did not improve my gum scores dramatically or even matter-of-factly, so why did I make such an effort... I'm sorry; I'm telling you about your song. So I was sitting there when your song was played on the subscription music service - called Mind-Numbing Background Softies, I think - and while I probably wouldn't have noticed it at all had there been even one other thing on my mind, in truth, I was just staring at a wall; so your song actually made it to my brain.
I kind a wish it hadn't, but it does give me a good opportunity to offer you some help. Now, you're going to say, "Why do I need help? I had no trouble finding a boring, three-piece band with a whining, narrow-ranged lead singer to record my song; and it did go to #1. Besides, you don't have a #1 single, do you?" Well, those are good points all, but consider for a moment who will listen to your music when all the healthcare patients are no longer subject to it? Probably no one. You see, writing a good song is worth it because people want to hear it, in many forms, for years and years.
Let's look at your lyrics. The way you started out isn't really too bad. Maybe that's because you didn't write that part; I don't know. A dude's chica is coming up the driveway and she's acting weird, so he's pretty sure she's going to dump him. Fine so far. But then something happens to the imagery in the song. You could say it goes "from good to gone."
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure "Here comes the pain" absolutely blows some people over, and they know exactly what you mean. For me, though, it's more like looking through the thesaurus for negative emotional sensations. You could have used hurt - or ache, pang, prick, sting, tingle, twinge, discomfort, distress, soreness, agony, anguish, misery, suffering, torment, torture, inflammation, swelling, damage, harm, or injury - and achieved just as little. But most of those aren't one-syllable words, and "Here comes the swelling," just doesn't sound right. So you probably did the best you could.
I'm now going to ask you a few, possibly difficult, but important questions you should probably have asked yourself before showing these lyrics to anyone else.
1. Is there anything novel, creative, poetic, or original in these lyrics?
2. Does the narrator have the emotional maturity of a ninth grader, or is he more at that hard-to-describe level of the summer after ninth grade?
3. Could the narrator have seen this coming?
4. Does the girlfriend only come over at night? Is that why turning the light on is such a big deal?
5. Will the narrator ever recover and go to college, perhaps meet other women?
6. What does the word maudlin mean?
After answering each one, you should have a better understanding of why your song is a bit light on, some might say completely devoid of, meaning or noteworthiness. I dare say everyone who's reached age 15 has felt some sort of "pain." I'm sure we've felt nothing like the hopeless abyss of your narrator, but then, you never get around to telling us anything about him or his feelings; so I guess I wouldn't know.
From now on, when your trying to write lyrics, imagine yourself in your doctor's office. You say, "Doctor, I'm sick." He says, "Okay, what's wrong?"
"I don't know, that's why I came to you."
"But what sort of symptoms are you experiencing? Any pain?"
"Oh, yes, pain like I've never felt before."
"Where?"
"In my body."
"Um... what is it that hurts?"
"Doc, all I can think about is yesterday, when I was so healthy. Now I'm sicker than I can ever tell you. I just never thought this could happen to me."
Make sense? Just read it again, then.
A small point on grammar: in a conditional sentence, you need to use the conditional mood in the verb phrase. Therefore, one wishes she were right here in one's arms, not was. Also, you really shouldn't use an objective case pronoun in a subjective phrase. "Here comes me..." Does that make sense to you? Alas, I nitpick.
Sometimes horrible lyrics are redeemed by a fantastic melody. So I figured I'd better listen to your tune again, since I couldn't remember it in the least. I found the song on a music-streaming website, along with a few other songs by the same title. Those songs were all better than yours, at least I could get through them, but that's not the point. Hmm... point. That's an apt word. It means the part that sticks you. That's what your melody doesn't have. If you bent a point over on itself, you'd have a hook. Your melody doesn't have one of those either.
Alright, so you're probably asking, "Are you picking on me just because my hair is so dreadful?" That's part of it, but it's mostly because I don't want to have to sit through music like yours again. Still, it's probably not worth my time to critique your song. After all, you've positioned yourself as an adult contemporary/Christian artist. Those two genres offer something like 99.44% pure mashed potatoes as the sole dish on the musical menu. I don't think your songs could make those genres any more bland. Anyway, you're not likely to listen to me since your song is doing well on the radio. But, as you say, "Nothing's on the radio."
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Dear John Lennon,
I find it strange that your song, "Imagine," doesn't really make any sense, at least lyrically. I mean the music is great and everything; I get that part of it. It's the lyrics that I just can't figure out.
For instance, there's this line that goes, "Imagine all the people living for today." Does that mean you want me to live as if there were no tomorrow? Like quit my job, spend all my money on the most stupendous adventure I can conceive, and plow forward free of all the things that have thus far burdened me down with regard for my own wellbeing and that of others? Sounds fun. Except for the massive pinch I'd be in when the money ran out, the cops caught up to me, or I killed someone. Probably not what you meant. So what then?
And then you say, "Imagine... nothing to kill or die for." I notice you don't say nothing to live for. If there's nothing to die for, is there anything to live for? Since you imply you'd prefer there were no countries, I gather you think soldiers are in the business of killing and dying for their nations. Yeah, it's not really like that. In the Western philosophy of war, a soldier is willing to risk his life for his country; he doesn't just sign up to die. No Western soldier wants to die. You might be thinking of suicide bombers. And on the killing thing, do you really believe there's nothing to kill for? Really? So if, let's just say, there were a crazed fan of a certain rock band who wanted to harm a certain Japanese woman, and in the moment of attack you had a chance to prevent it, but only by killing the assailant, you wouldn't do it? Hmm. You must be dreaming. Oh, of course. If there were nothing to kill for, this psychotic fan wouldn't be trying to kill anyone. Riiight.
Still, if you do a little reading on the philosophy of war as a political tool, you'll find that most civilized nations do not view killing people as any sort of end unto itself. In other words, if an objective can be achieved without killing anyone, that's preferable. Sadly, people doing bad things rarely stop when we say when.
Toward the end, there's a line about imagining "no possessions." Did you tell your wife you don't believe in possessions? She seems to think she owns all your songs. I'm sure if she knew your feelings on the subject, she'd change her ways.
BTW, where are you now, anyway? In the sky? I imagine I'll find out soon enough.
For instance, there's this line that goes, "Imagine all the people living for today." Does that mean you want me to live as if there were no tomorrow? Like quit my job, spend all my money on the most stupendous adventure I can conceive, and plow forward free of all the things that have thus far burdened me down with regard for my own wellbeing and that of others? Sounds fun. Except for the massive pinch I'd be in when the money ran out, the cops caught up to me, or I killed someone. Probably not what you meant. So what then?
And then you say, "Imagine... nothing to kill or die for." I notice you don't say nothing to live for. If there's nothing to die for, is there anything to live for? Since you imply you'd prefer there were no countries, I gather you think soldiers are in the business of killing and dying for their nations. Yeah, it's not really like that. In the Western philosophy of war, a soldier is willing to risk his life for his country; he doesn't just sign up to die. No Western soldier wants to die. You might be thinking of suicide bombers. And on the killing thing, do you really believe there's nothing to kill for? Really? So if, let's just say, there were a crazed fan of a certain rock band who wanted to harm a certain Japanese woman, and in the moment of attack you had a chance to prevent it, but only by killing the assailant, you wouldn't do it? Hmm. You must be dreaming. Oh, of course. If there were nothing to kill for, this psychotic fan wouldn't be trying to kill anyone. Riiight.
Still, if you do a little reading on the philosophy of war as a political tool, you'll find that most civilized nations do not view killing people as any sort of end unto itself. In other words, if an objective can be achieved without killing anyone, that's preferable. Sadly, people doing bad things rarely stop when we say when.
Toward the end, there's a line about imagining "no possessions." Did you tell your wife you don't believe in possessions? She seems to think she owns all your songs. I'm sure if she knew your feelings on the subject, she'd change her ways.
BTW, where are you now, anyway? In the sky? I imagine I'll find out soon enough.
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