Dear Lay's Baked!,

I find it strange that you have decided to sell your chips in bags of seven. The bag I opened today had seven chips. Seven might be a "perfect" number for some religious people, but it's a woefully inadequate number when it comes to a bag of chips. Come on! What do you take us for? Yes, I'm on a diet - that's why I bought the dumb baked chips - but I thought I'd get more than seven chips.

People on diets are willing to eat some pretty tasteless stuff, which includes your chips. We do this so we can eat a portion the size of the US national debt. When people order one of those trendy salads from Applebee's, they don't expect something that fits on a so-called salad plate. They want leaves, roots, and tiny, exploding tomatoes heaped so high it'd make a mule deer feel bloated. When I buy rice cakes, I want a package the size of a giant sequoia. Seriously, if I had any ability to exercise portion control, I would just eat food that tastes good.

And in case you thought I wouldn't notice, I can see very clearly that those baked chips are not slices of potato. Cold cuts and hot dogs are bad enough; I don't think it's necessary with potato chips. Why did you spend all your time figuring out a way to make pressed chips, instead of a way to bake microscopically-thin potato slices? I'm not sure how you pulverize a potato to the degree required to make those things, but you should consider sharing that technology with the waste disposal industry.

You also need to come up with a different name for the flavor known as "Original." Original? What's that? What if Coca Cola sold club soda and called it "Original" Sprite? Or how about sweetened ice cubes called "Original" Popsicles? Or rock candy called "Original" Jolly Ranchers? Not gonna work. Try "Unflavored," or "Plain," or even better, "Potato." You're not selling bubble gum.

You have ruined potato chips the way "fun size" ruined candy bars. It's just no fun anymore. From now on, I think I'm just going to pass on the chips altogether. And get one, very delicious cookie.