Dear Sleepless Compadre,

I find it strange that the other day you said you "slept like a baby." You're like the third person I've heard say that in the last few months. I totally know what you're saying.

Last winter, I had a vicious cold. I was so congested my forehead actually looked swollen. I was coughing so much I thought I had emphysema. My body ached almost as much as the time I didn't outrun that avalanche in Paraguay. Throughout the ordeal, I was able through heavy drug use to sleep in short increments from which I awoke wishing someone would just bring me some food and wanting to go back to sleep. I was continually attempting and failing to catch up to myself, myself as would be if I could just sleep. I was really sleeping like a baby.

Sometimes, you need to sleep like a baby to get people to take your situation seriously.

There are a few important things to keep in mind, I've found, if you really want to sleep like a baby effectively. When you're asleep, make sure you seem calm, tranquil, at peace with the world. Try sucking your thumb or nuzzling a blanket. This helps others realize just how exhausted you really are.

Did you scream relentlessly and as loudly as you could every time you woke up? That's essential for getting proper attention. Better yet, when someone asks you what is wrong, shut your eyes tighter and continue to scream. I suggest raising the volume each time someone asks. This shows you are important enough that no one should have to ask what you need. Honestly, your needs should be met before you need them. By the time you know you need something, it's too late; someone deserves to suffer a good hard bawl for not keeping on top of things.

When someone finally does bring you some food or drugs, or adjust your onesie, open your eyes only enough to get a look at them. If you open them all the way, your attendant might suspect you've rested sufficiently. Your face should say, "That was pretty good, but I expect better next time. I'm going back to sleep now. And I know what you look like, so don't think I'll forget."

If your spouse attempts to ignore you by letting you "cry it out," try to get up to use the toilet or something like that. It's very effective to indicate you just might have to vomit, then slowly work your way to the toilet, keeping your body doubled over and one hand out for balance. When you get to the toilet, make a few really hard swallows while shaking your head. Then say that it must have passed and you can probably make it back to the bed on your own. No one should be able to ignore that.

A word of caution: if it gets really desperate, you might be tempted to pretend to stop breathing until someone comes to see whether you're okay. Don't bother with this. With babies, everyone is all worried about respiratory function, and will turn up the $100 room monitor so loud it drowns out the $800 hi-fi and the dinner guests. But with adults, I guess, nobody really cares. I agree, not fair.

It's not easy to sleep like a baby; it takes persistence and humility. And it probably won't help you feel well any sooner. But sometimes, if you really want to get the treatement you deserve, it's the only way.